Guest stars are our favorite. Like something you see? Have something to say about it? Hit us with a celebrity shot and email us a lil’ freelance action at email@example.com.
Brought to you by: Ms. Madeline Johnson and Ms. Jennifer Clark
We caught up with the boys of the Haus on a beautiful Saturday morning (ok it was 2 in the afternoon, but when you’re hungover that’s standard breakfast time). Walking into their home was nothing short of a sensory overload. All we could do was step back and take in the masterful interior design. The Haus’ original hardwood floor remained intact, accented by a beautiful sign “borrowed” from the local eatery better known as White Castle. If you’re having trouble creating a mental image, the Haus looks like the love child of Robert De Niro’s apartment in Taxi Driver and Animal House’s Delta Tau Chi House.
As we precariously stepped into the harsh light of day in the backyard, we were treated to a wondrous array of decorations littering the backyard. In the north-west corner proudly stands a toilet. A makeshift wall guarding the Haus from neighboring construction has beautiful artwork splashed upon it, hinting upon some of the Haus’s friends preferences. The true treat of the Haus, however, is their infamous basement. You may think you have never been there, but let me assure you, you have. The familiarity is striking, and sweet memories rush in from hazy nights past. The Haus seems hollow without the usual crowd, but the pungent waft of beer is still delightfully playing upon the breeze, reminding us of simpler times.
Joe Alvarez. Matt Armao. James “Seal” Basile. Andrew Friedman. James Hill “JHill”. Jason Marra. Timmy Moran. AJ Shoemaker. Gods amongst mere Fordham males.
You know the Haus. You know the men. You’ve pet the dog. In a groundbreaking journalistic effort, we uncovered the truth of the Haus during the hours of sunlight.
What’s the average day like here at the Haus?
BASILE: Most days I wake up. After that I’ll let Daisy into the backyard and watch her poop. Then we’ll come back inside and she’ll watch me poop (in the toilet). After that I’ll go to class or hang out with dudes and that basically sums up most of my days.
JHILL: An average day consists of everybody beating Jason in ping pong, followed by an hour of nude meditation in Bedroom. We then migrate to the Attic, where we discuss the beauties of nature, and how blessed we are to be able to live the amazing lives that we live. We then go to Mugz’s and drink ourselves senseless.
MARRA: JHill says some dumb stuff, we all tell him he’s always wrong. We (Timmy, Joe and myself) play ping pong. AJ does secret stuff and doesn’t tell us anything about it.
SHOEMAKER: An average day at the Haus consists of JHill saying a lot of stuff that is wrong, Jason ping ponging his heart out and crying about girls. Armao only comes on weekends (that’s when the judge said he was allowed to visit), Andrew reads finance for fun (freak), Seal writes haikus about his time in the peace corps, and what I do is secret (that’s why I’m not in any of the pictures).
What aesthetic inspired the decor for your house?
SHOEMAKER: Our house aesthetic was inspired by the late great, Frank Zapone. Frank died in our house (not joking) before we moved in and we have to leave everything just as he liked or else his ghost will kill us all.
ALVAREZ: Suits came and helped us moved in. He was very helpful. All the dog related stuff is Daisys. The human stuff is mostly not ours, and we inherited a good amount of stuff too from Frank Z.
JHILL: The aesthetic that inspired the decor of our house was that of the late, great Yo-Yo Ma. His bold interpretations of Pre-Colonial Era finger paintings of the blind youth from that generation often moves members of this beautiful household to tears, and is truly the motive behind almost all of our actions.
Who is the most likely to be found with a swiffer on a Sunday morning?
BASILE: We have two swiffers in the house and I have never seen either one used before.
SHOEMAKER: Jhill spent 2 years in federal prison (he was later found innocent) so he regularly swings bars of soap around inside his socks to clean.
What inspires you to find the bravery to travel to campus for early morning classes?
ALVAREZ: Timmy’s alarm clock that rings for 15 minutes until I get up and shut it off myself.
BASILE: My mom put a tracking chip put into my skull so that way she knows whether or not I go to my classes. If I don’t go to class my mom will drive up from Philly and take my vape pen away.
SHOEMAKER: I’ve got a big ass shirt (XXL) it makes me look tough so I feel safe walking to crampus.
Who’s the fanciest chef? *note: not the BEST chef. I am asking truly on a fancy basis ONLY*
ALVAREZ:If you like grilled cheese, canned soup, and frozen chicken nuggets Timmy is your man.
BASILE: Probably Timmy Moran. His assortment of chicken tenders and chicken nuggets is astonishing.
SHOEMAKER: JHill cooks sandwiches.
JHILL: I am the fanciest and bestest chef. I regularly cook sandwiches, and make a mean Easy-Mac from scratch out of the box.
BASILE: Marry Martha, fuck Ina, kill Paula.
JHILL: Is Paula Deen the hot one from American Idol? Oh boy, I’d fuck her. Isn’t Martha Stewart in jail? Besides, I wouldn’t want Jonathan Stewart to beat me up. Would I fuck Kate Upton? You’re damn right I would.
SHOEMAKER: Ina Garten calls herself the “Barefoot Contessa” so she probably has a foot fetish. That being said I would refer her to my friend Timmy “Boner” Viola, he’s into foot stuff. If Orange is the New Black has taught me anything , it’s that Martha Stewart probably kissed some women in jail. Nothing wrong with that, but I think Daisy is into it. I’m not going to say I would kill anyone, you should never put that into writing.
Who’s the best shower singer? And their genre of choice?
BASILE: In order to save money on our utilities, all nine of us (including Daisy) shower together. It gets really loud most of the time and it’s hard to tell who’s singing.
JHILL: I don’t know about singing, but Andrew cries in the shower a lot.
SHOEMAKER: Best shower singer would have to be our boy Logan “fingers” McIntyre. When Fingers and Timmy “BigRed” Moran get near a shower, they steal the show.
What’s your favorite memory with Daisy da Dog?
BASILE: I’ve been trying to teach her to shake hands and one time I asked for her paw and she moved her paw a little bit and I thought she learned it but it was just a coincidence.
JHILL: My favorite memory with Daisy is when she broke into the construction site next door, and harassed all the workers, then went poopy in the building’s basement… Classic Daisy.
SHOEMAKER: Daisy pooped on the floor of the kitchen. Sometimes Daisy does mean things and it hurts. Also Daisy is sometimes a bully, just ask JHill.
What private preschool are you thinking of sending Daisy to?
ALVAREZ: Daisy is 21, she’s going on college visits now. She’s considering ASU, FSU, and Cuse. She loves to take shots and party.
BASILE: I don’t believe in a traditional education. I strongly believe the streets will teach her anything worth knowing in this world.
JHILL: This is a ridiculous question. Daisy is currently an AstroPhysics Professor at Harvard.
SHOEMAKER: Daisy is not a human. She doesn’t need school. Let alone a pre-school. Daisy could not handle school since she is an animal. Daisy sometimes tries to eat garbage. What kind of example would she be to the toddlers? It would be irresponsible for children to be exposed to any of Daisy’s disgusting habits.
Who would die first in an apocalypse situation? And the last?
ALVAREZ: Seal would die last because he has Daisy. JHill would die first because his mom wouldn’t be able to bring him food.
BASILE: I’d probably kill JHill myself. That would be the only casualty.
JHILL: I would probably do something stupid and die first. Daisy would be the only one to survive
When you’re trying to impress a hunnie, where do you take her out?
BASILE: This beautiful little spot on Arthur Avenue called Mugz Sports Bar & Grill.
JHILL: Mugz’s Sports Bar and Grill, Arthur Avenue, The Bronx. In the heart of Little Italy, Mugz’s thrills your sensations with nothing but the finest alcoholic delicacies collected from all corners of the earth, an ambiance only comparable to that of the Vatican combined with Coachella, and the most beautiful women a man’s heart could ever desire.
SHOEMAKER: Mugz Sports Bar & Grill.
The veil has been lifted. The aura of mystery has slowly receded as we unveiled the truth of the Haus from these eight brave men, all of whom will be cemented in Fordham’s history as much as a buff chick wrap at the fine establishment of The Grille. Next time you’re at the Haus After Dark (superior to The Blend After Dark; these are the true MVP’s), fondly and knowingly stroke the door frame before crossing the threshold. Demand that JHill cook you one of his famed sandwiches. Console Andrew for his shower crying. Challenge Jason to a ping pong match showdown. Explain the intricacies of a swiffer to James. Because now you know. The Haus: Revealed.