Absti-scents

Get RAMMED | Morgan Conley | March 28, 2016 SATIRE

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And now, a word from the administration of Fordham University:

A student complained recently, via an aggressive note, that only 4 of the 12 washers in O’Hare Hall are functioning. The student accurately stated that these 4 washers could not possibly clean the dirty laundry of the 560 students living in O’Hare Hall. We wanted to formally respond to this allegation and announce: it is no accident.

We knew it would take time, but unlike you insatiable fornicators, we are willing to wait.  We knew eventually our goal would be reached. Laundry would become too much of a time burden, too complicated. It would be the root of so much anger and stress, that you would cease doing it altogether.

At first, this choice may be sustainable. But soon, you will begin to smell. You want to know an unfortunate truth about being a smelly person? No one wants to sleep with you.

Taaa Daaa, we have forcibly imposed abstinence.  

And if by some miracle, your BO is not enough to make keeping your pants on non-negotiable, your buffalo wrap stained sheets should do the trick. Not all food is hot in the bedroom.

Being the resilient youth you are, we know you will rebel. We do not fear it. You will try deodorant, it won’t be strong enough. You will try to Febreze away your pee-yew but eventually you will realize too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Without washing your clothes, all these chemicals will make you itch. And no one wants to knock boots with an itchy person. You may consider something even more old fashioned, washing your clothes in the river. You will not entertain this thought long though, the Hudson River stinks and no one wants to sleep with it either.

So there, the security measures we implemented didn’t work. The culture of shame sure as hell didn’t work.

But you can’t argue with nature, and nature doesn’t let you get nasty with something that smells like it’s rotting.