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Dear Fellow Students,
Let me begin by confessing what many may not know about me. When I first applied to Fordham I was placed on the waiting list. Yes, sometimes this does happen to good looking people. As disappointed as I was, I knew I still had a chance to prove to the greatest university in the world that I could offer something they desperately needed. I immediately wrote to the admissions office explaining that I would take a personal blood oath and vow to defend Fordham from heretics and criticism if I was accepted. Today I’m finishing up my third year here and still missing some skin on my left pinky. So, as I recently joined the writing team of The Rival, I now have another vehicle to continue fulfilling my obligation to this great school.
As many of us know, for several years, many students and faculty have complained about this school’s food. Unfortunately, not too long ago criticism of Fordham cuisine reached a peak when its dining experience was evaluated by the unreliable, clickbait website, The Princeton Review. This “review” of our school’s cafeteria food has spread like a virus through Facebook newsfeeds and has brainwashed the minds of full-time, part-time, and prospective students. According to the heinous site, in 2013, our school was ranked No. 1 in the category of worst campus food. I don’t know what Princeton has against Fordham, maybe they’re afraid of finally recognizing that we are the superior university in all aspects. Myself and a silent minority out there believe Princeton knows Fordham is the better school and they are selling these clickbait, controversial headlines to advertisers to make a quick dime and attempt to make us look bad. I’m not buying into it and you shouldn’t either.
Update: I’ve been told by my editors that Princeton University is not affiliated with The Princeton Review. You may have have fooled my editors, but not me, Princeton. I see this is as nothing but a vain attempt to distance yourself from your malicious statements.
Why would a university’s meal plan cost a student roughly $3000 per semester and not be good quality? Think about it. That just doesn’t make sense. Currency, since its invention, has always equalled its quality. Especially in the private sector. You get what you pay for. I can say with complete unreserved certainty that for the price we pay for Sodexo™ at Fordham gives us revolutionary and innovative dining. People don’t realize that Sodexo™ is utilizing the diet of the future and introducing Fordham’s students to a diet that will soon captivate the masses. Yes, people have reported that they have found various bugs and hair in their food. Yes, there have been reports of contact with mouse droppings and “improper” food storing in the cafeteria. Because other universities around the country (and probably the world) don’t have similar kitchen practices, many of you assume this a bad thing. What if I told you that in fact, there is a direct correlation between unorthodox eating and an increase in intelligence. The more unique food you eat, the smarter you become over time. For example, Charles Darwin, father of evolution theory and natural selection, came up with his famous theory after eating an entire owl. Einstein’s chauffeur revealed that the genius would sometimes eat insects straight off the ground. Yes, the guy who theorized gravitational waves a century ago, which has now recently been confirmed. Fordham’s cafeteria is trying to foster a university of intellectuals in the best way it can and all they get is condemnation? This may have been Fordham cafeteria’s best kept secret and now I am forced to expose their genius in the press in an effort to prevent Sodexo™ from leaving.
If you’re not convinced by my previously mentioned theory, then let us look at the general population of the world. Not too long ago, The Ram reported that a student “went to the Grille and got a salad and found a full grasshopper the size of a thumb in the middle of it.” Again a perfectly controversial situation eaten up by the uneducated, mainstream food audience. But do we really think our prestigious, on campus dining chefs don’t know world culture? Human insect-eating is extremely common in most parts of the world, including Central, and South America, Africa, Asia, Australia, and New Zealand. The chefs at Fordham Sodexo™ bring diverse cultures to our meals and garnish your dish with an insect that is considered a delicacy in some countries and you’re going to complain? The United States of America is about experiencing a melting pot of cultures, not sticking to a close-minded, strict menu. Many also don’t realize that it can be extremely difficult to catch a grasshopper, and especially find one that are at the prime age for consumption. So please next time you see an insect in your meal, consider the work and effort that went into putting that on your plate.
Another thing many people don’t seem to realize is that improper storage of food and contact with mice droppings both of which often lead to bacterial infections in the digestive track is actually great for dieting. Frequent diarrhea can help you lose some of those pesky pounds you’ve been trying to get rid of before spring break or summer vacation. Talk about a cleanse! Experiencing diarrhea often can also increase the diameter of your asshole which I’m sure can be beneficial to some in one way or another. These infections can also help build a strong immune system. If your body can eventually fight off the diseases most likely found in mouse droppings, you will build up immunity and forever be impervious to many common sicknesses carried by mice. Think of the possibilities if humans were to apply this kind of immune system strengthening to every being in the animal kingdom!
I will not stop until people recognize the damage they are doing when they criticize the school in order to be accepted among their “friends” (by the way, anyone who criticizes Fordham is not your friend). I don’t mind going person to person and writing thinkpiece after thinkpiece explaining the importance of Sodexo™ at Fordham. I will never get tired of doing this, mainly because I drink Sodexo Coffee™. It’s served hot with a subtle taste and mild flavor that keeps you going. Sodexo Coffee™ is grounded with organic beans grown in the back of the cafeteria where the stray cats of Fordham roam and fertilize the soil that helps bring out that bold, rich taste. Sodexo Coffee™: coffee the way coffee should be.
I do hope Sodexo™ does not leave this school for its practices solely because the general public has yet to understand that it is a cutting edge dining experience. If I still haven’t convinced you, well, enjoy your boring old pasta and meatballs on Arthur Avenue. What do Italians know about food anyway? Let me add that the cafeteria does make an excellent angel hair pasta that contains real hair from what I assume are angels.