Appreciating Fordham With Rob Falcone: On Guest Policies

Get RAMMED | Rob Falcone | February 29, 2016 SATIRE

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As many Fordham students know, the university’s guest policy for on campus housing has some rules. To those unfamiliar with the policy, or those lacking friends, Fordham undergraduates must sign in anyone who does not live in our assigned housing. This rule applies to everyone, regardless of whether or not the guest is a Fordham student. Said guest must also leave the building before 3:30 AM or the host will receive a $15 fine, which increases for every future offense. If you want someone to stay over, you are required to get an overnight guest pass 24 hours in advance. Unfortunately, there are several ways a minority of rotten students can get around these rules. I do not condone any of the ideas I am about to present, I just happened to overhear them while passing by the darkest corners of the university on the way to class (for your own good, stay away from Larkin after sunset).

Such examples, from what I’ve heard, include: sneaking a person in overnight by signing in under a fake name, getting the person in the building before a guard takes over, or going in through a backdoor or window.

For the record, I would never bring someone I trust, student or non-student, into my assigned building without the proper Fordham authority figures knowing about it. Fordham security knows my friends better than anyone. If you can’t get the appropriate pass 24 hours in advance, you deserve the fine and your friend deserves to sleep on the curb outside the university’s walls. I think Rams Deli Plus has a cot or something in the back.

You know what they say about rules. Rules are meant to be blindly followed and never questioned. For example, we are not allowed to get overnight guest passes for anyone of the opposite sex, and for good reasons. Thankfully the university recognizes that a platonic relationship between a man and a woman is simply impossible. A friendship is only meant for people of the same sex; a sexual relationship is only meant for people of the opposite sex. It’s just biology. I know I speak for every male when I say every interaction I have had with someone of the opposite sex is purely sexual. My modestly sized penis and a woman’s whatever-is-down-there-don’t-know-but-excited-to-find-out-when-I-get-married constantly gravitate toward each other wherever I go. I am grateful Fordham can pull the reins on me to prevent my inherent hypersexual nature. Although, at first I was incredibly excited to have a sleepover with my 18-year-old sister here so she could check out the school, I understand Fordham’s stance. It was very hard for my little sister to take the news. She even asked me, “Is Fordham really that unfair sometimes?” After slapping her across the face, I explained to her, by having this rule, the university effectively prevents students from any kind of sexual activity. To think that I could have had sex with my sister had she slept over. That would not be good.

Unless you are married and plan to procreate, this university is not a place where sexual activity will happen between a man and a woman because there are rules against it. Although Fordham has made significant strides in preventing premarital sex, I have been lobbying and spending sleepless nights drafting a proposal to install cameras in every dorm. I wish to continue the efforts made towards sex prevention and especially in the case of the disturbing and unnatural idea of dormcest. It seems like an invasion of privacy, but think of it as God being present in your bedroom every night. God in this case is Fordham. We uphold Catholic tradition here because tradition is infallible. People are having sex everywhere else, but not here. It is Fordham’s duty to shield us from any realist thinking.

Whenever Fordham does something that you see as unfair, I encourage you to sit down, take a deep breath, and administer your own aversive conditioning to change those thoughts. After doing so, you’ll realize how great Fordham, our beloved school, truly is. I like to believe it is only a matter of time until the heterosexual community proves itself worthy and Fordham housing lifts the ban on getting overnight guest passes for those of the opposite sex.  Until then, I will be masturbating in the privacy of my room while my roommate is asleep.