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Last Thursday night, we leapt into the world of investigative journalism, soaked in curiosity and an unwavering hunger, to bring the public the cold, hard, throbbing truth. We mounted our unicorns, screlted Defying Gravity, and rode straight into the rainbow sunset toward Sodom and Gomorrah.
We went to a gay bar in Hell’s Kitchen.
It’s rare that we gays get shit wrong (although, there was a rather effeminate twink vogueing down Christopher Street in clogs and a feather headdress at 10am last Saturday who really did test our theory). In any case, most homos tend to be experts in foresight. It’s like some fabulous fairy superpower or something.
But 20/20 vision, both retrospectively and prospectively, isn’t the brightest and most alluring special skill on our resumes. For instance, we can throw a party that makes Michelle Obama and her White House team of soiree bitches look like a gaggle of four-year-olds hosting their first high tea. Pussy-punching fratboys better back the fuck up when we get to a funnel because throat chugging is a department in which few categories of human beings have us beat. And unless you’re a 350-pound Turkish bear, we nail every kick, spin, and pelvic thrust to every Beyoncé song ever created, while rhythmless bitches “dance” beneath us. Why do we know the choreo so well you ask? Because every Tuesday after electroshock therapy in middle school, we watched the Single Ladies music video until our eyes bled under the cloak of night inside our closets (no pun intended). Okay, so those are inarguably blanket statements and stereotypes, but some stereotypes can be taken as compliments. And any gay man who doesn’t love Beyoncé is probably bi and can sit the fuck DOWN.
You would think putting a group of drunk men who “putt from the rough,” so to speak, in a room together, would make shit hit the fan. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. We spoke with some experts who spend their nights in tight T-shirts pouring overpriced cosmopolitans for Manhattan’s finest. What they told us brutally crushed our expectations, but it opened our eyes to the fact that we have more in common with our heterosexual friends than we originally thought.
The Rival: What’s the craziest shit you’ve ever seen while working?
The Beard: “Two guys were dancing on the bar together, and they jumped off into the middle of the room. They started blowing each other in front of everyone, then and there. Security had to take them out.”
Banana Hammock: “I was working at another lounge and there was this guy in a wheelchair that came to the club, and he was probably, like, 60 years old. He offered me $150 to give him a lap dance for two songs, and it was the weirdest experience of my life. I can give a pretty good lap dance, but his wheelchair kept getting in the way and rolling backwards. He wanted me to wheel him into the back room and offered me more money, but I told him no. I got the $150 though.”
Hot Mechanic: “Anything you can think of I’ve seen.”
The Rival: How often do you think or see people get date raped?
The Gay Situation: “NEVER. No, no, no. There are never any drugs like that here. Why? Because all of the guys here are already looking for sex and drugs, so they don’t need to use that.”
Hot Mechanic: “One time I saw it, but they were gone in a few seconds. I couldn’t stop them or do anything. (Laughs) It’s not my responsibility to watch everybody’s drink.”
The Rival: How often do you see married, closeted men come in?
Beard: “I can’t tell who is closeted and married, but I can tell who’s from out of town the minute they walk through the door.”
Banana Hammock: “Whenever guys ask me for a lap dance, I usually ask them where they’re from and stuff. There’ve been a few guys that were wearing wedding rings or told me that they were married and were regulars.”
The Rival: Have you dated someone while working at a gay bar? If so, what’s it like?
The Gay Situation: “Yes, I have a boyfriend. He doesn’t care that I work here. We tell each other if we cheat on the other or if we want a threesome.”
Hot Mechanic: “Yeah, I have.”
The Rival: How often do you go home with customers?
The Gay Situation: “I’ve only gone home with five or six guys [in fourteen years]. We don’t go home with people much because we’ve seen pretty much every type of gay guy that exists, so we’ve become super picky. Beard is a super horny guy, though, and he goes home with the most guys.”
Beard: “No, not that often. We are so tired after our shifts, that we just wanna go home and pass out. We usually finish our shift at around 4:30[am].”
Hot Mechanic: “If you’re single, it’s great working here. I don’t recommend going home with guys, though. People always look different, especially in here while working and with the lighting. I’ve met people outside the bar and been like, “Well wait a minute.”
Banana Hammock: “Basically, my boss allows us to do whatever we want to ‘unofficially.’ What that means is that he gives us a talk about what we should and shouldn’t do, but if he “isn’t looking” then he doesn’t mind. We usually get $50 for a lap dance (which lasts one song). We can name our own prices for anything else that we want to do. I’ve never sold my body or anything but I did give a few handjobs for money. That’s kinda where I draw the line. My long winded answer to this is yes we are allowed to go home with guys, but no I have not.”
We went into that bar expecting a swirling tempest of dry fucking and sin, and arrived to find a pretty tame and relatively normal bar environment.
It was like going to a Broadway show starring Patti LuPone and getting her understudy. For two gays that don’t really frequent the gay bar scene that often, we expected a scene straight out of Queer as Folk and got something more like Cameron and Mitchell’s house in Modern Family. Even though we only went to one bar, the results were somewhat of a boner killer for us.
So, needless to say, we were wrong. Just like that fabulously flaming daddi from last Saturday. It’s funny how (as gay men) we were actually perpetuating a stereotype that doesn’t necessarily exist. Yeah, this stereotype does exist in some places, and although it can be exciting and seductive, it isn’t always the case. The gay scene is very much like the hetero scene: a lot of people just trying to mingle and connect with others. The glory holes are just an added bonus. And let’s call it what is: guys at both bars are really just looking for someone to enter.
Consider this gay myth busted.
Love and kisses,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Fags