ResLife restricting non-neighbor consummation

Get RAMMED | Jen Clark | February 21, 2016

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Good news to anyone who has ever signed in under a pseudonym, climbed in through a  window, ran past a desk guard faster than Charlie Sheen can say “winning” after three lines of coke, or GOD-FORBID taken that $15 fine all in the name of getting laid!

Fordham has decided that if it cannot stop young adults in the midst of their sexual awakenings, it might as well make it easier for them to follow the rules. And so (drum roll please) starting next month Fordham will be launching its very own dorm-dating website; an FU OK-Cupid, if you will.

It may be one of the most baffling things to happen around here since The Blend decided to start serving hot dogs. But, if there is a, I feel comfortable saying I see nothing stopping us. Simply input your age, sexual preference, and dorm and Fordham will find you the (convenient) hookup buddy of your dreams.

Are you a citizen of Finlay with a lover in Walsh? Do you bump uglies with someone living in a building ten steps away? Does your significant other not even attend this holy institution? TOO BAD, Father McShane would never allow that type of hanky panky. You are only allowed to get down and dirty with people from your dorm, just the way God intended.

A faculty member (who shall remain anonymous) gave me a piece of his mind on the issue:

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“We’ve done everything we can to assure this kind of lewd behavior would not happen. To think– we tried separating the sexes by floor, by wing, and they still found a way around it. If you ask me, I say it’s time to separate them by campus.”

Marvel as you and your new, Fordham-approved beau swipe into the dorm with ease and waltz past the front desk. No more security beating years worth of Catholic guilt into you. No nervous sweating as you try to sign in not as Jennifer Clark but as “Paula Abdul”. No more falling while trying to climb through a window and ending up in health services with a sprained ankle (I am speaking for a friend).

Isn’t it comforting to know that Fordham prioritizes managing our sex lives over ensuring that they are healthy? Why provide students with condoms, birth control, and promote safe sex when you can simply prohibit them from gland to gland combat with anyone living outside of the purity of their dorm? All we are given on campus are STD and Pregnancy testing. These are reactions to worst case scenarios for which no preventative services are offered. The lack of access to sexual health services on campus is not only disturbing but also dangerous. A system such as this does little to promote positive sexual experiences, as they are presented as secretive and almost forbidden.

Not to mention, forcing students to sign out by 3 AM simply prevents the post-sex cuddle session; effectively removing what makes sex healthy and human.

Sure it may take away the awkwardness of the morning-after routine, but when you are preoccupied with a sign out curfew it’s hard to get to know someone on a deeper level. Afterall, sex is nothing more than mutual masterbation without the bonding that comes afterwards. It’s hard to feel cared for and fulfilled when making that walk of shame alone in the middle of the night. I find it fair to assume “healthy sex” is welcomed before curfew, but a majority of us don’t have the privilege of indulging in some afternoon delight. Has this policy made our sex lives less about healthy relationships, and more about a stupid fine? Is it merely the university’s way of sleeping soundly at night by coming as close as possible, without actually allowing cohabitation? The rule is so ineffective and counterintuitive that we almost don’t need this satirical article. (just kidding we totally do)

Fordham: you have to acknowledge that most of your students are having sex on the weekends after nights out, all we ask is for the courtesy to carry this out in a healthier way. How can Fordham uphold the jesuit value of “cura personalis” (care for the whole person) if they are simply ignoring something that makes us whole – sexuality.


With sexual experiences as diverse as our student campus it’s important to allow students a safe platform and an active dialogue on the subject. Instead we are quieted in the name of Jesuit values. Fortunately, the Fordham SAGES are fighting a guerilla war in the name our sexual rights. Sapphira Lurie of the Fordham SAGES had some powerful insight on the subject:

Providing students with sexual health services and information is key to maintaining a healthy campus culture. But Fordham’s policies do not reflect a concern for our well-being and safety. Fordham does not allow students to both make their own decisions and stay safe because of administrative decisions that put security guards between students and good sexual relationships. Because of the paternalistic policies that deny positive and healthy sexuality, and because of the implication that students are not capable and will not be trusted to make choices for themselves, it is clear that there is no democratic campus dialogue on sexual health simply because the institution is not designed to facilitate student voices or student power.

And she’s exactly right, security guards have become actual guards of our chastity and virtue, but this dorm security system is the weakest chastity belt I’ve ever seen. No matter how hard you make it, hormone filled students are still going to find a way to have sex. Fordham, you’ve taken away my Panda Express, but I’ll be damned before you take away my choice of who to fuck. That being said I totally signed up for a membership, so add me @ ram-me60