#SexWeek: The Quintessential Guide to Dirty Talk

Set the world ablaze with your unparalleled sex lexicon.

Get RAMMED | Nick Makarov | February 29, 2016 SATIRE

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Alright guys and gals– listen up. Sometimes…when you’re in the SACK…you want to spice things up a little bit, right? Listening to the bed creak while you avoid eye contact during missionary is only fun for so long.

I’m not talking about viagra, or home videos, or the third party you found on the Craigslist personal section.

I’m here to tell you that the answer to your perpetually dull sex-life is dirty talk.

It’s a daunting thing to start, I get it. The thought of exclaiming your most carnal desires to your nude counterpart makes all of us blush. For a while, all you and your bone buddy can manage to say is “you like that?” or “harder.” Well, newsflash: there are only so many things to like, and synonyms for “harder” are few and far between.

Sometimes you just gotta be completely honest with your mate in regard to your sexual preferences. For example:

“Hey sugar pie honey bunch, maybe next time you know…we’re in the SACK again…you could start barking like DMX as you take me from behind.”

Listen, no one wants to admit that they’re horrible at dirty talk, and as you can tell from the statement above, I know what the fuck I’m doing. Let me help you out.

You may argue that ten phrases below may not work for you. You could accuse me of targeting a “niche audience” of “verbal jousters” and “mattress masters.” As it happens, there is statistical evidence backing my claim that these phrases are universally applicable under all sexual encounters, effective 78.6% of the time. 

Whether you’re off-handedly admitting to seeing your boy toy’s father’s knob or making the ladies hotter than the eye of Sauron with your cunning linguistics, use these tips to unleash your inner nympho.  Go off and set the world ablaze with your unparalleled sex lexicon. Let’s begin.

“You want a little fuckey fuckey?”

This sets the mood and also turns back the clock. It’s fun to say, and simply gets the motor going. Because you know what? They probably do want a little fuckey fuckey. You can also say this in a real cute voice. Change up the persona a little bit. The door for future role play is now agape.

“Oh my god, you’re just as big as your dad”

This one is used predominately by girls that want to motivate their man. And let me tell ya something. IT WORKS. The natural reaction is, “Nuh uh I’m way better than my dad” faster thrusting ensues. You’ll thank me later.

  • Quick tip: You see, sex is just an ongoing competition between two parties that don’t really like each other that much. There’s just a lot of emasculation and humiliation going on, but hey, that’s human nature.

“Is it in yet?”

I get this one all the time. It’s pretty similar to phrase #2, in that the man realizes that there’s a window to perform, and this incentive is usually motivating. After all, all guys know their main mission in sex is to give the girl an orgasm. Guys you can usually throw in a, “Oh yeah? How about NOW?” as you perform a power thrust.

“Aa’ lasser en lle coia orn n’ omenta gurtha”

This is Elvish for “May the leaves of your life tree never turn brown.” You honestly can’t lose with this one. It shows your partner that there’s more to you than meets the eye (or ear). No one can resist a Lord of the Rings fan FIRST OF ALL. Second of all, it heightens your chances of getting pregnant, which of course is another objective of sex, second to orgasmic pursuits. Also, this dirty talk phrase requires HARD eye contact. You can’t use the ways of the elf to get pregnant unless you two are staring at each other. Drooling helps too.

Recite an entire Our Father

This one shows your partner that you’re a completely normal, good-hearted Catholic student whose intentions are in the right place (bonus points for Latin). Like hey, after we’re done doing the sex, let’s go listen to a well written homily together. Maybe even split a host.

“Oops. Wrong hole baby”

I call this the “Farmer’s Phrase.” Why, do you ask? Because it plants an idea seed. Maybe you and your partner are ready to take it to the next level. You’ve already given her an orgasm. You’ve already gotten her pregnant. What’s the next step?

Anal.

It’s a hard topic to bring up, no doubt about that. So sometimes, you just need a piece of finely crafted dirty talk (like this one), to get your partner to come up with the idea. This phrase must be in tandem with a wink and/or smirk.

“FEEL THE BERN/BURN”

This just depends on which group you fall into, but either way, this phrase is equally as effective.

  • Scenario A – You’re an avid Bernie Sanders supporter and you’re campaigning on his behalf the only way you know how: pile driving your partner into euphoria.
  • Scenario B – You have a sexually transmitted disease and you’re just giving them a friendly warning. A turn on and a pleasantry.

~Timeout~ Phrase #8 is going to have some flexibility. These are all lines that a man can say to his partner after a surprise wiener unveiling

  1. Like what you see? (+ smirk)
  2. I know, I’m not Jewish  
  3. Well it’s just the three of us
  4. You ever been with a fragile, sensitive man?
  5. Netflix and chill? We can watch BONES (+ cackle)
  6. I’m not like other guys
  7. What’s your snapchat? Boutta send a dick pic
  8. Penis time!!!
  9. So what’s your major?
  10. Want me to tell you how long it is in centimeters?

All of these are either passionate conversation starters or immediate provokers of steamy makeouts.

“You like that when I finagle your balls while Everybody Loves Raymond plays in the background and tell you my grandfather’s war stories?”

You’ve got options with phrase #9 too. The simple phrase “You like that?” is a CLASSIC. It’s the most versatile dirty talk this world has ever known. It tells your partner, “Yeah I know what I’m doing, and I’m going to keep doing it because I run show.” You just can’t overuse it.

You just gotta beef up what comes after. In the heat of the moment, whilst getting down and dirty, people stop thinking. If you articulate exactly what it is that you’re doing, they’ll appreciate it more. “Holy shit I do like it when you finagle my balls as I watch Everybody Loves Raymond and pretend to listen to your grandfather’s war stories.”

“I love you”

It’s best if you say this as you climax, but it’s extremely powerful any time on the course of intercourse. It reassures your partner that they didn’t make a mistake going back with you. Everyone is always ranting and raving about how hard it is to find someone nowadays. Well, if you’re the person that says “I love you” with a straight face during tender love making, your partner will know that there IS hope in this world.