Scalia’s Death Gives Supreme Court Blue Balls

What in the World?? | Nick Makarov | February 22, 2016

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Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died in Texas on February 13th, 2016.

A little background, in case Antonin Scalia flew under the radar while you were learning important things in school like verb conjugations and mitosis…

antonin scalia dead

Antonin Scalia served on the Supreme Court for almost 30 years, you know, the branch of government that’s not Obama and not the room of 535 argumentative white people. During his 30-year tenure, Scalia established himself as the Constitution’s biggest fan. He got off to the Constitution. Forget Pornhub, when Scalia needed some alone time, he wandered right over to the rotunda of the National Archives Building to take some mental pictures.

That crazy, old Italian-American stood by what he believed in (the Constitution), and you gotta respect him for that. Right up until his death he was the conservative stronghold in the Court. The guy was a beast. He’s what Pumba would look like if the beloved Disney character underwent a transition from warthog* [thanks Mike] to human. Scalia had nine kids. NINE. What a fuckin’ workhorse. Reagan in the Court house, DJ Khaled in the bedroom. Another one. His sperm is as relentless as his constitutional fervor.

Now that presence is gone.

The Current Shit Show in Washington DC

Either President Obama or the next president will nominate someone to replace Scalia. Barack-a Flocka knows that if he were to nominate a radically liberal person, the Republican party, led by the ever-melting Mitch McConnell, would storm the steps of the White House on the backs of elephants. All signs point to our current president nominating someone in between liberal and moderate, but those same signs also point to Senate rejecting any of those nominees.   

Balloon Man McConnell basically doesn’t want Obama to decide the next swing vote (tiebreaker), which would be the case if he nominated someone more liberal than Justice Kennedy.

mitch mcconnell scalia

If we wait for the next president, that’s 10 more months of inevitable ties and indecision in the Supreme Court. Two things could happen if the current eight-person Supreme Court ties:

  1. The decision made in the previous, lower-ranking court will be upheld, or…
  2. The case could be postponed until the Court has nine members, which would be Summer 2017, thus giving the Supreme Court blue balls. THE SUPREME COURT CAN’T FINISH AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Big-time cases especially would be postponed. Think guns, gender equality, gay marriage. The stuff your drunk uncle brings up at dinner right as you’re getting up to go watch funny Vines on WorldStar.]

Imagine all of the politically incorrect shit bound to happen in the next 10 months. Do you know how many racist, sexist, murderous people this country has? So many! Because we’re America and we’re in first place for everything. America needs that tiebreaker like an “exhausted” Fordham student needs a Hashtag from Rams Deli on Sunday morning.

Why You Gotta Give a Couple Fucks

If/when Big Ballin’ Barack’s nominee gets rejected, filling the vacant Supreme Court justice seat will become a huge topic in the presidential debates to come, and that’s when you need to pay attention. Listen to who these clowns would nominate because that future justice will carry a lot of influence into his or her life term.

“Mr. Trump, who would you nominate for the Supreme Court vacancy?”

“Let me tell ya something, NOT Rosie O’Donnell. She’s a loser. She’s repulsive. I’m a winner. Make America great again.”

Oh and it will be great.

You should care about every Supreme Court justice nomination no matter the circumstance. They serve life terms. New justices are rare. It’s like what marriage is supposed to be (but it’s 2016 and marriage is more of a fun little game that ends whenever you want).

Take a look at your personal political standing. Not your parents’, yours.

If you’re more liberal, you’re hoping for one of three things to happen:

  1. Obama nominates someone successfully
  2. Hella people FEEL THE BERN (if you’re a mega liberal)
  3. Everyone come to terms with the idea of having a president that writes sketchy emails and dabs on national TV (if you change your mind a lot)

If you’re more conservative, you’ll prefer

  1. Obama’s vote being rejected by the Senate in addition to a Republican hardo becoming president

If you don’t have a party affiliation, check out who Obama could potentially nominate (Sri Srinivasan, Jane Kelly, Merrick Garland, Amy Klobuchar – got these names from CNN what’s good) and see if you align with any of their views.

We’re all voting this year. Take an interest. Read the paper. Watch the debates. Scrub behind your ears. Wear a condom. Give ‘em hell.